How This Influencer Battled Back from Addiction | Recovery Vow Podcast

In this powerful and deeply personal episode of The Recovery Vow, Eric Kennedy sits down with Nicole Koon to share her raw journey from addiction and brokenness to faith and freedom. Nicole opens up about the early wounds and life choices that led her into years of destructive patterns, toxic relationships, and substance abuse. She speaks candidly about the turning points, the moments of clarity, the people who showed up, and the faith that ultimately changed her life. Through honesty, humility, and hope, Nicole reflects on the hard work of recovery: learning to set boundaries, face pain without numbing, and step into her God-given purpose. Today, she’s using her story to encourage others still in the fight, proving that no one is too far gone for grace.

Whether you’re battling your own demons, supporting someone in recovery, or needing a reminder that redemption is real—this episode will inspire you to keep going.

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• Transcript

  Hey, thanks for joining us on the Recovery Val podcast. Today I'm going to sit with my friend Nicole. Now Nicole is going to tell a little bit of a heavy story. This is going to be her story from being a pastor's kid to um having young uh parents to becoming a parent herself um loss of marriage um loss of herself in her alcoholism. But then we're going to share um what recovery looks like. Now, this woman has beat um addiction to alcohol, but she's also beaten an addiction to food, and she has um overcome uh that. And so, I'm I'm just excited for you guys to just sit back and listen to her tell her story. So, um follow her on Tik Tok. She's like this big Tik Tok influencer. You can follow us on Tik Tok. You can also follow us on Instagram or Facebook. uh or get more information on how you can be a supporter of our nonprofit recovery vow at our website uh recovery vow.com. Hey uh sit back and enjoy this episode. Welcome to the Recovery Vow podcast. I'm your host, Eric Kennedy. Hey, I just want to come on real quick and say thank you so much for joining us on the Recovery Bow podcast. I'm your host. I'm Eric Kennedy. Today I've got a really special huge Tik Tok influencer uh in the studio with me, Miss Nicole, who's also going to be uh recording um her interview today on her live stream. So if you are a Tik Tok follower, um you can't see it live right now because this episode won't come out for maybe eight weeks, but um go follow her on Tik Tok, you can follow us on Tik Tok, you can follow us on Instagram or Facebook, but let's dive right in. Nicole, hi. Um, you and I connected on face or not Facebook on Tik Tok. We did. So, let's just let's start there. Okay. When I saw you on TikTok, I saw you had an influence and you have a lot of people that follow you. I didn't expect you to say that you were from Augusta, Georgia because I can either have you come here to the studio in Augusta or we have a studio in Dallas. And for the amount of people that you have that you have influence over, I thought you were going to be like in a big city somewhere. Nope. I'm here. Which is fine. Augusta's awesome. But um I just want to dive in and and talk about um what got you to the point to where you have this kind of influence. Were you in um were you in some type of heavy addiction? What are you in recovery now? And how did you get there? Um tell me your story. So it all started um I'm already going to cry. That's fine. We got Kleenex here. So, uh, you know, they say like addiction is, you know, people all the time wonder where addiction comes from. Um, where do you think it comes from? Trauma. Okay. Trauma. Um, for me, uh, when I was a little girl, um, I had something happen to me that shouldn't happen to a child. And, uh, my addiction started way before drinking. Um, I've lost 200 lb. Um, so my addiction was actually eating. Wow. You know, um, and I would eat to make myself feel better. Um, so addiction isn't just substance. You know, addiction can be anything. We had a lady on on the podcast a couple weeks ago and she had the kind of the same thing. She she had an issue with an eating disorder that led to alcohol and a few other things. And that episode will come out in about six more weeks. Let's go and throw that out there. Um, so when I would have to say like my story started um when I when I was 7 years old. Um, I've been going through therapy and so we've been pinpointing like times and things like that. Um, you know, my parents were young. They were 16 and 18 when they had me. They were great parents. Um but they were kids theirelves you know so um they you know did the best they can. I have wonderful wonderful grandparents. I love my grandma and my grandpa and I love my mom and my daddy. Um I didn't have a relationship uh with my dad and um now that I'm sober I do. That's awesome. You know um but my mom has been my rock. She will always be my rock. Um, but I uh do you is it okay if I ask you a question? Do you um do you feel comfortable enough uh to share what your trauma was? Um as far as Yeah. I So I was abused um sexually when I was a little girl. Um and it went on for about 5 years. Okay. And I didn't tell anybody um because how do you tell somebody that? You know what I mean? like I I didn't really know what it was. And the sad thing is is I thought it was love at 8 years old. At 8 years old, um you I'm going to tell you how how we can relate right here. This is just us having a conversation. I I went to Atlanta yesterday to a Comic Con um with two good friends of mine, um Cameron and Tristan, and we we talked about this, and I talked about it from a point of view as a young boy. I was 8 years old when I was sexually abused. It was different for me. Um I can say that that was a trauma, but it was a different experience for me because I had gotten um I don't know how to say it, you know, like I had oral sex performed on me when I was very very young. I was eight years old, you know what I mean? So, it wasn't traumatic, but it was almost like I know I didn't, you know, I don't even know what is that right or not. What that did, though, is it made me have a different outlook um on that woman. Yeah. You know what I mean? I didn't. And so, that's just a different dynamic from a female point of view where you wanted it to be love and done right even as a young child. Mhm. Well, I think it's it was not that it was I just thought that that was how you showed love. Mhm. You know, like my conception of love was so messed up and I just I didn't understand it. Um and then I got married um to my son's dad. Um and when my son was 12 months old, we found out that he had a blood disorder. Um, and we went through hell. I mean, it was hell. And, you know, I tried to hold everything together and I tried to be the strong mama. Um, I went through a lot of it by myself because we were in Atlanta. And um I'm I'm trying to lead up to like where the addiction started because it's just it what people don't realize is when you don't handle something and you let it build and build and you suppress it, one day it's going to explode, you know? And so we went through that with him and I'm talking about like I remember one day I was up there by myself and his um ANC which is his immune levels were really low and they had to hook him up to life support and I was I was by myself and I remember sitting there just begging God like please don't take my baby like just don't take don't take my baby from me. Um, so he went through chemo. Um, you know, and I used to have people tell me all the time, they're like, "You're so strong. You never cry." And I remember one night, um, I was I was in my living room and, um, he was asleep, his dad was asleep, and I was I was sitting in the floor and I just I really have to say it was my first experience with Jesus. Like my first experience like truly with the Holy Spirit. Like my my dad was a preacher. Um, so I grew up knowing God, right? I I He's I've grew up I always say I grew up and went to church. Like as soon as they brought me home from the hospital, I was in church. Um, and I was in the living room floor and all I could say was, "Why?" I mean, just over and over. I was like, "Why, God? Why my baby? Why?" And you can call it crazy. You can call it whatever. But I felt this wind go by my face. And I looked up cuz I thought somebody had come through my front door. And um it's like I heard the Holy Spirit say, "Why did I have to watch my son get beaten? Why did I have to watch my son get mocked?" Like my son even said like, "Father, why hast thou forsaken me? But the stripes on my son's back is so that your son could be healed." And I held on to that for a really, really long time. And it got me through. And after Landon got off of chemo, he was off for about a year. His name is Landon. That's my son's middle name. Is it? Yeah. His name's Landon. He's my baby. He would probably die if you hear me say that. But um How old is he now? He's 17. He'll be 18 in September. Mine's going to be 17. Yeah. He uh so after he got off of that, um my parents had been married for 29 years and they got a divorce um not too long after that. And I went out one night to celebrate Landon being off being in remission for a year and I drank. I was never really a drinker. I drank on my 21st birthday, got drunk and was like, I am never doing that again. It was awful. Um, but I remember I didn't have to feel. Like everything I had felt, I was numb. And a lot of people say like my drinking built up. Mine didn't. I mean, I was I was gone. I was gone. You remember what you drank that first night? Uh, baka Baka Red Bull is what I had. And that's You don't know if you coming or going then? I didn't. I mean, and I'm talking about like I would drink pints. I would drink fifths. I mean there my addiction got so bad that um later on in my addiction I remember that I would wake up at like 3 and 4:00 in the morning and crawl to the trash can just to get an ounce or whatever a drop of liquor that I could to get me to the liquor store the next morning. I mean it was just it was my lifeline. It was the only thing that I felt could take away the pain, you know, and in the process of it, it didn't take away the pain. It it took away everything I loved. So, whenever you said Landon um was sick, Mhm. It seems like you were doing okay. Oh, yeah, I was. It was almost like you were in recovery from or you were kind of in recovery because of what you had to deal with with Landon, but that situation kept you from having to face the past. Am I saying that right? And then when you knew he was okay or he got better or So it was almost like it was almost like I just I held all this stuff in, right? Like it was like this little secret box and it was my box and I didn't tell anybody about it. I remember when I finally told my mom I was drunk. And afterwards she was like, "Why didn't you ever tell me?" And I don't know, like I don't know if it's because I thought maybe they my parents wouldn't believe me or I was ashamed. I I don't I don't know why I didn't Someone close to the family. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Gotcha. Um, and uh, I I just didn't didn't tell anybody. And it was like years and years of just things building up um, that I never addressed, right, till finally when Landon was in remission, you know, he had been in remission for a year. What I thought was an innocent going out having a good time celebrating literally was like the turn of eight years of a long dark path like path that just was destruction. Wow. Um it sounds when you talk about crawling to the the trash can that's a pretty low moment. Oh it was how far from the first time that you got that that drink. you know, how much time did you spend in that depth of addiction? So, in 2018, I went to rehab. Um, I went to locally Yeah, I went to Catherine's Way. Um, and I went because I wanted to make my family happy and I didn't want to lose my son. Um, so anytime somebody tells me, "Oh, I want help." My first question is, "Are you done?" Mhm. Because I wasn't. I went I went to rehab. Um, I was in there for 90 days. um did the program, got out, met my other ex-husband. Um we moved to New Mexico and I want to say Whoa, Paul, you went from here to there. Yes, that's a big jump. It was um from Augusta, Georgia. Yeah. To New Mexico. What made you go to New Mexico? He's in the military. Sucker. Okay. Gotcha. So, he was in the military. Um and you know like in the big book it says um there's a story and it talks about you try to go to different zip codes but the thing is is you can't run from you. And so in my mind when I met John cuz John was a great guy. I mean he really was um supporting my recovery at the time. But in my mind I was like if I can just get away from this area I'll be okay. And what I didn't realize is I was leaving my son, right? Because he was here. Uh his dad didn't want me to take him with me. It was just this big old ordeal. And when I got to New Mexico, I started drinking again. Um that's where I got my third DUI. And um I started drinking and mostly because as messed up as it sounds like I wasn't with my son and I missed my son. Um so alcohol just took the pain away. How old was your son when you made the move to New Mexico? I want to say he was 11. 11 about to be 12. and and you decided to not take him with you just to cut to uproot him and put him in a different school and all of the things. No, it was custody issues. Um there's just some things. I'm divorced. I've I know the custody thing. Yeah. Um I I've I've raised mine and they go visit their mom every other weekend and one day during the week and and we get along great. Yeah. Not that she's ever going to listen to this, but I just want to make sure she knows. We get along great. Um, but I understand like Yeah, it was pick your battles. It It was pick your battles, but honestly, I thought Landon was better off without me. Why? Because by the time I got to New Mexico and had been there, I wasn't sober. I had started drinking again. And this is after the 90-day hall. Oh, yeah. Like this was So, I got out of rehab in February of 2019. Um, and I was in New Mexico of May of 2019. Because I heard you say that you went to Katherine's Way for your parents and for Landon. You didn't say in there that you went for Nicole. Oh, I didn't. Yeah. You you were you were doing it to check boxes for other people. And that's important for listeners to know like when people come up to us and they say, "Hey, can you can you give us help?" The two biggest questions sometimes that we have to ask is, "Well, do they want it?" Mhm. Man, I hate this to say it, but the other question sometimes is, do you have insurance? Yeah. You know, do you have insurance? Um cuz it that'll help, but there's some really great places where you don't need insurance. Um but the biggest biggest question is, well, do they want it? And so Nicole didn't want it. No, I didn't. And you know, that's all that's what I ask my you know, my people when I do live and things like that. That's the number one thing like I ask them all the time is, "Do you want it?" And then I remember being asked one time in re like in rehab like have you had enough pain? And I want to say like having enough pain is what did it for me this last time. Um cuz in June of 2021 um I just tried to end it all. Matter of fact, on my live I have that picture posted that you seen. That's probably the videos. Yes, that is me. Um, that was me two, three days after I had tried to not be here anymore. Oh, I've tried that before, too. Yeah. Um, that's um Nicole, that's a rough looking picture. Tell me what what what was that day right there? Cuz can your viewers see that picture? Yeah, they can. So, they can see um I don't know like I don't know if we're sideways. I don't know how, but they can see it. So, that is that is the one that um I have that got my Tik Tok regoing cuz I did Tik Tok then I got off for a little bit but that is the one that um went viral. Yeah, I really need to learn how to do this Tik Tok thing. Yeah, you got a huge impact. Yeah. How many people are watching you right now? Um 7 million. Does that say 7 million? Yeah, it says like 7 million. No. Okay. So, tell me about that day. That was You said you just tried to hurt yourself. Um, but you were pretty bruised up. Yeah. So, actually what happened was I had went to the liquor store on base um and got a um handle and um explain to everybody what a handle is. It is a huge thing of liquor. Like it is a gallon. It's a gallon. Gallon of liquor. Um I had went and got a gallon and I had went and got no paper. Um, so I could write. Did you write it? My son sent a letter. Um, no. Because, um, they always say God does for you what you can't do for yourself. And on my way back, um, to get the Uber, um, I turned around and I passed out in front of two MP cars. Yes. They came to me. Um, they got me. I mean, I had drank so much that morning. Um, the only reason I remember going to the liquor store to get what I got is because it was just when you made that decision, that final decision, and I had done tried it enough that I knew what I had to do to to do it. And I have to be careful what I say cuz it's Tik Tok and Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. They'll knock you off sometimes. But um I just I remember that day cuz I remember um I remember thinking what I was going to say to my son. Like I was going to write him notes for his wedding day, for his high school graduation, um that I get to see next year now. Um but I was I was just done, man. I was tired. Yeah, I get it. I I did that too the the second time or the first time I tried to hurt myself. Um I was in a same you know was in a dark place um alone and I I wrote it and and I wrote um wrote a letter to the boys to their mom uh and just kind of spilled my guts. Um and I wanted to hurt some people as I went. Yeah. But I wasn't thinking about the But I wasn't thinking about the people I would hurt after I was gone. Does that make sense? Yeah. Because we're selfish, man. We're so singing selfish. Selfish. Um so I get everything you're saying. Yeah, I understand. And this is heavy stuff. And and you know, sometimes we have to get heavy on the podcast. Um because you have to tell your testimony so that we can get to the good stuff. Yeah. So, what was um what was that moment like when these MPs picked you up? I remember they put me in So, I remember that they put me in the back of the ambulance. Um they got my military ID. My ex-husband was an officer. Um and he was actually working at the Pentagon. Um we were in Washington in Arlington, Virginia. Um and they took me to the hospital. um got me somewhat sober. Um the funny thing was was I left, my ex-husband wouldn't come pick me up, so I got an Uber to take me home, but on the way home, I stopped and got liquor, right? Cuz that's just how messed up I was. Did you talk to Landon between the time that you got picked up and the time she got? Cuz what happened was before this um I want to say it was I wish I could see it cuz if my mom's watching she can correct me. Um a week or two before this happened my mom and Landon flew in to Virginia to see me and I was so drunk that I could not pick them up from the airport. Did she know? Um no. Mama didn't know. Uh well I don't. She knew I had been drinking, but I I remember when I called her um she said, "What if Landon would have been by herself, you know, and um at that moment I just I didn't care, you know, like I was I was so selfish, but I just didn't care. Like I wanted alcohol more than I wanted air to breathe. Like I just I wanted it that bad. I remember I used to sit outside the liquor store because I had a um breathalyzer in my car. So I had to a lot of times I had to get an Uber to take me to the liquor store. And I remember one day the um on the matter of fact, this happened twice. But on the way back from the hospital, the Uber driver pulled into the liquor store and I sat there and I cried and he said, "Ma'am, are you sure you want to go in?" And I said, "I don't want to, but I have to." Mhm. because I didn't want it. What I wanted was to be a mom. What I wanted was to be a wife. What I wanted was to be a daughter. I mean, I hadn't had a relationship with my dad in over eight years, you know. Um, what I wanted was to be a good person and it didn't matter. Yeah. You know, it's important for people to hear exactly what you just said. It's you. It's not that I'm trying to figure out the exact best way to say this for what you what the way that that cab driver or the Uber driver said, "Do you really need to go in there?" It's not that you didn't It's not that you wanted it, but you had to have it. You had to have it. And I It's like a medicine after a certain amount of time. Makes you feel better. It does. And the thing was was it was like at that moment in time, Landon and mom had come in. Um when they got there, I was drunk. Um and Landon told my mom, he said, "Mimi, I want to go home." And um that was they were there for 3 days and um my stepdad had to come pick them up and that was the last time I seen my child until I got separ. Wow. How old was he then? Uh, I want to say he was 11. He was 11 cuz uh I think he he turned 12 when I got sober. Why was that the last time? Um because after that happened uh my ex-husband left and went to a hotel room and I just they wanted drank and drank and drank until he ended up coming home. My ex-husband ended up coming home and I was so drunk he threw all the alcohol away and I started having withdrawals and you know alcohol withdrawals are the only thing it was one of the only withdrawals that can take you out you know and um it's so scary it is and I I remember I started withdrawing and he came in cuz I was sleeping in another room. He came in there and he was like what is wrong with you? And I was like you need to call the ambulance. Um the Can you explain to listeners and viewers that are watching your TikTok and that'll eventually watch this this it's okay southern that will eventually watch this episode. Can you explain what a detox or not a detox what u that withdrawal looks like? Like can you can you describe that feeling? It is. I literally felt like my bones were shattered, like shattering. I couldn't breathe. Um I was hearing voices. When they got me to the hospital, um they put me on every type of medicine to stop my withdrawals and they wouldn't stop. And I I literally was I remember it was so bad that if I stepped out of the hospital bed, the alarm went off. I couldn't even get up by myself. Um I was sweating. My blood pressure was bad. But I literally I felt like I was dying. That's the only way I can describe it. And the spiritual part of it is what was even crazier because it was like I could hear the only thing I can say is it was like I could hear the devil talking to me. And I know that may sound crazy, but I could. And um they were going to have to put me in a medically induced coma um because my withdrawals would not stop. And I called my mama. Um, and the nurse talked to my mom and I don't really remember what she said to my mom. And I called Catherine's way again. Um, and I talked to Anna and I remember Ara telling me, "Once you get out, we'll take you." Um, and she told me that they would pray for me. And I remember laying there and I remember like I was holding on to the rails of the hospital bed because I was shaking. I was literally shaking so bad. It was like I couldn't be still because my body was hurting so much from withdrawing from the alcohol. And I remember saying, "God, if you will just make this stop, I promise I will I will get help." Like, I promise I will be done. And I remember they came in to do to get ready to put me in the medically induced coma and my withdrawal stopped. Really? Just like that. I went home the next day and got on a train and went to Catherine's way. The reason I asked you if you remembered that withdrawal is because um we just said a second ago that you you didn't want the alcohol, but it became like a medicine. Mhm. And so your body's reaction um to not having your medicine puts you in that state. It does. I used to wake up in the middle of the night um because we I mean I could pass out but I wouldn't I would never go into like a deep regular sleep because I would do alcohol and cocaine and crack and so they they were fighting against each other in my brain and in my body and so I would be up sometimes but um it's hard to see the sun come up and then have a detox um or DTS of alcohol and so that's what got me where I was started drinking in the morning time. Um, and I know it sounds so stupid, but uh, my grandmother passed away and uh, I used to love to drink in the morning and watch the Golden Girls because not funny, but I used to reminded me of my watch sermons. Yeah. So, I mean, you know, Well, and and but it reminded me of my grandma. And um, and then I would um I'd have my kid with me. He was a baby then. And um I was supposed to watch him be responsible for him, you know, as a responsible for a human, another human, not just myself, man. I'd sit him in that bouncy thing and lay out lines of Coke on a plate and just chill out all day long. So, I mean, I I want to say all that to So, I don't want you to feel like you are the only person in the room that carried the burden of all of that. Yeah. Thank you. I it's so crazy because I you know a lot of people I had a patient come in yesterday and um I was working on her and so I started making bracelets for my TikTok and um something just told me to bring up bracelets making bracelets to her. So I did and um she said what are you making them for? And so I started telling her about I was in recovery and this lady just stops and she starts crying and she says, "How do you know that you have a problem?" And I just stopped working on her and I looked at her and I said, "Is it drinking?" And she she shook her head yes and I said, "If you have to ask," I was like, "Baby, you have a problem." And it was so cool because I got to witness to her, you know, and I prayed with her. Um, but it's so crazy because it's like people don't um people don't realize that, you know, alcohol, that substances, what it can do to you. They don't realize, like, you know, you were saying like you had your kid. I I would leave mine in the house, go to the liquor store down the street, and come back while he was still sleeping. Same. I used to go to the drug man's house. Yeah. And all it would take for us to get in a car wreck or get a DUI and they wake up alone, right? You know, I think about that. Yep. I mean, I don't think about it as much as I used to, you know, when I was first, you know, in that first five years. It just you go back through all the things that you've done and you try to remember all the things that you've done and it's almost like you're trying to forgive yourself. Yeah, it's a lot to walk through, you know, when you're doing the steps. Um, that was one of the most um not proud parent moments I've ever had is um the thought of me getting hurt and then waking up alone in that trailer that I was living in. You didn't have air conditioning and it was September, August or September. Um they used to come down every other weekend. So, I get it. I mean, it's like we we we'd live the same kind of life. Um, okay. Let's shift gears because this has been pretty heavy. I want to shift gears. You got sober. What year? 2019. Sober. Uh, no, that was the first time. So, this time I've been sober, this year's four years. Um, I got sober. I went to rehab June 17th of 2019 of 2021. Okay. So, I've been since 21. Mhm. Okay. Let's shift gears to talk about um what those four years have looked like. Okay. Okay. Because you've been in recovery from drug or from alcohol, but you've also you talked about uh 200 lb of weight loss is a is is a lot. And so you're in recovery from that. But what does life look like now? You're you're famous on TikTok. I think it says 17 million's following right now. So tell me what today looks like. Um and when I mean today, I mean four years. What does four years look like? and make it your most proudest speech you ever given. All I can say is it shows you the love of Jesus and grace and mercy. Okay. That is what those four years have looked like. Um that was Pastor Nicole. That was Pastor Nicole, right? Give me a real life. Um that and that's real life. I'm not trying to shy away from that. I'm just saying like what has your recovery given you? What has it given me? Uh it has given me um first and foremost my son back. Um that's the best thing. Yeah, it is. That's the best thing is having him back. Um it's giving me a relationship with my daddy. Mhm. Um you know I I was always the girl that had daddy issues and um I never had a relationship with my dad. Um, why was that? I say it's because um I felt like it was just because I was just a disgrace to him, but I really know it was because it was just tough love and my daddy didn't put up with my drinking. He didn't put up with my lifestyle and so I didn't go around him. I mean, you know, like everything that I thought um was my dad was really just me not wanting to have tough love, me not wanting to hear truth, and my dad gave it to me. Um, and so I just, matter of fact, I just came from heaven. I went to church with my dad and stepmom this morning, and um, I just came from having, you know, lunch with them. Um, but it gave me a relationship with my daddy and my stepmom because I didn't have a relationship with her. I've always had a relationship with my mama. Like I said, my mama was my rock, but she was also my enabler. And she'll agree with that. Um, until she wasn't until she was like, I'm done. Yeah, that's that I was about to say that. Um there's a hard u deep gray line on for parents and families on what the balance is between being an enabler and being a strong willed parent. Yeah. Because you get lost in well I got to I got to love. It's my responsibility to take care of this other person uh that's my daughter or my son and um and and the lines blurry for some people and it and rightfully so. Um, yeah. I mean, I get it. Um, that's a whole another podcast. Yeah. I mean, she, you know, she she is when my mom was done and my stepdad because my stepdad um he was the one that I would call when I would get drunk because I didn't want to tell anybody and he would come get me. Um, and my stepdad's a preacher and he just loved me, you know. He did. He just he loved me. And he uh didn't agree with what I did, but he he loved me. And so I've always had my mama and my stepdad. Um, but my relationship with them is better because they don't worry about me. You know what I mean? So, I've gotten their trust back. Um, but my biggest things would have to be my son and having a relationship with my dad. That's great. Um, and my stepmom. I went to school. Um, I finished school. I got my massage therapy. Then I got my neuromuscular medical massage practitioner certification. Um, and I started my own practice and I did that for about 2 years. And now, um, I'm working at a med spa. Good for you. Um, I actually work with my stepmom, so it's really cool. Um, it's really cool to go from not having somebody there to there, you know what I mean? It's just really cool to watch how God restores. Yeah. Like he's the God of restoration, you know? I'm glad you keep bringing God up and and um your relationship with Christ. I think that's super important for people that that may listen to this or some of your listeners that you know they're they're very scared if you try to you don't Jesus juke anybody in that first year. That's a big deal. Well, it was to me like don't throw me that you know. Um do you remember so your you said your stepdad was a pastor is a pastor. My stepdad is a pastor. My dad So you probably had a relationship with God your whole life. Oh I did but I did I did but I hated him. Okay. Okay. Um, when during your addiction, do you remember like a really heavy spiritual moment when when he tried to show up in your life or maybe he did show up in your life and you turned your back on him? All the time. Yeah. All the time. You know, I tell my followers all the time, like I talk about Jesus because he is who I run to, but I also am one of these people that um I don't push Jesus on anybody. Um but I know that, you know, in the big book, it tells us a higher power or he's my higher power. Yeah. Um but I love that you said that he is. can't have people when they first get in there, they they're told, you know, this book or this cup or this phone or this coffee or whatever. You can make anything your higher power. Well, maybe you can in that just to get you through those first few months. And I think that's just a distraction piece so that you can focus on your steps with your sponsor. Maybe maybe it's not. Maybe I'm wrong. This is just my thoughts. Um, but I think it comes back once you have enough time in recovery, you start putting the pieces together and you see where those times that you prayed to something you didn't know in your worst moments, that was actually God. Oh, yeah. And when you come to realize that after that first year goes by, and maybe maybe it's less than that first year, but for me it was that first year, um I could start to accept what a relationship with him looked like. And it wasn't it wasn't that it required a lot from me. It just I was never um far enough outside of my own ignorance to understand that I was an okay person. You know what I mean? And he would he was fine with it. Yeah. Yeah. And he was fine with it. So, um, and then in your recovery, um, has your relationship with God, as you understand him, gotten stronger? It has. Um, I would have to say that when I was in rehab this time, this, you know, last time, I remember they told me, "Forget everything you've ever learned about God, about Jesus, and learn him like you're just meeting him." And that changed everything for me because I was brought up that, you know, I was brought up Pentecostal. So, I was brought up like God is a strict God, right? Can't have tattoos, you can't do this, she can't do that. But what I didn't grasp was the love of Jesus. And I always say that I felt like when I got to rehab, um I remember I went outside one day and um my best friend now, her name is Grace. She uh I always laugh and say God sent me somebody named Grace because she was my grace during rehab. You know what I mean? Um I remember we used to walk all the time and I went outside one day and I got down on my knees and I just told God how I felt. It wasn't pretty. I was yelling. I was screaming. Told him just how much I didn't like him. And how could a God that is so great and so merciful? A God that I was brought up is just immaculate, right? He's just holy and all this kind of stuff in my mind. Well, how could you let that happened to me when I was a little girl? How could you let my 12-month-old son have cancer? How could you do this? How could you let me go into addiction? How could you how could you do all of this? And I got all of it out, right? And I remember I said, "Lord, I don't even know if you're real. I've learned about you my whole entire life, but I don't even know if you're real, but if you are, I have nothing left to give but me." So, here I am. Take me. And I always say that I feel like at that moment um I said it in the video I did for this um in the Bible. The Lord says like tokum little girl get up. I feel like he walked by. He lifted my head. He dusted me off and he said baby girl I'm not done with you yet. So he was the breeze you felt when he Yes. He he was at that moment. Um, you know, things happened and I remember when I first felt the love of God, it changed everything because my addiction wasn't just alcohol. My addiction was men, too. I've been sing I've been single for four years. I mean, I dated a guy for a little bit for like two months, but that didn't work out. But, I mean, I can tell by the way you're flinging your hands and rolling your eyes. You didn't matter. Yeah, he didn't. He didn't matter. Um, but like I My addiction was everything that didn't make me focus on me. Yeah. Because I didn't want to see Nicole, right? You know, and so at that moment, you know, when I had that moment with Jesus, I think it's where cuz I I had a lot of church hurt, you know, that that's the thing. And that's what I tell people all the time, especially like my followers. They'll tell you like I I'm one of these people that, you know, God says that in the Bible, it talks about we're supposed to be the church. The church is just the building, but we're supposed to be a church. We're supposed to be the church, right? So, I had a lot of church hurt and I just had a lot of anger when it came to anything that had to do with church, with Jesus. Um, until the moment I just came to the end of me and all I had left was him. That's good. That's a good word, Nicole. All right. So, what what what made you decide to do the Tik Tok thing? So, Tik Tok was um it was just the Tik Tok was just this thing. I um I've never really been a person that does a lot of a whole bunch of social media. Um I've never been a person that uh did anything like that. And one day, I was just scrolling through um lives and I I came across this guy's live um and his name is Dylan. and I uh he was sharing a story um and I'm I'm not going to share his story, but he was talking about someone he had lost due to addiction. And I went into his lab and just started talking to him, fell in love with his community of people that he had. And I told him, so back then you had to have a thousand followers to go live. And I said, I want to be able to go live so people don't have to be alone. Because a lot of times we drink. I drank when I was alone. I didn't drink when I was out with people. I drank when I was alone. And um there was um this girl that I know of and they found her in a car and Tik Tok was laying beside her and she had ODed. And the only thing that kept going through my mind was what if she would have came across a life where she realized that she wasn't alone. That she there was somebody there was a group of people there that would be like hey you know we'll come to you. Hey we'll find you. I mean in 201 18 um I was drunk in a Target parking lot and somebody who is my friend now um seen me. I guess I was passed out. They came, knocked on my window, and sat with me till a group of girls came and took me to a meeting and that moment saved my life. If it wasn't for him, um I don't know that I would be here today because I don't really even remember it. That's how, you know, messed up I was. So, I'm pretty sure I probably would have woke up and drove home. Um so, what got the Tik Tok going was I just wanted to be able to sit with people. so they know that they're not alone because it's it's just not addiction, man. It's it's relationships. It's feeling like you're not good enough, you know? It's feeling like you're not worthy, that you're not valuable. And even guys feel that way, too. Mine is more directed towards women cuz I have a heart for women, but guys feel that way too, you know. But that's what started um Tik Tok was I just I didn't care about the followers. I didn't care about any of that. I had to have a thousand. Dylan and his group got me to a thousand in two days. That's awesome. They did. They were amazing. Um I always It's taking me three years. We'll get you there. Y'all go follow him. But uh now you only have to have a hundred to go live. You don't have Yeah, you don't have to have a thousand. Um, but you know, like that is what um started me going live. But the reason I do it is I don't care that people know who I am. Like we could sit here and I could just talk to you and nobody see my face. I just want to help people. Yeah. Because I know what it feels like to feel like you're hopeless. To feel like nobody cares. To feel like you don't have anybody. I was the preacher's kid, you know. I I couldn't struggle. Yeah, you know, I was, you know, Nicole, you I live in a small town. I actually, you know, I don't want to say where I live. I live in Augusta, but you know, I don't live in Augusta, but you know where I live, you know, and so it's a small town. Everybody knows everybody. Um, I shouldn't have lived the way I, you know, the way I live my life. Um, but I did. And I felt like I couldn't reach out. I felt like I couldn't go to anybody. Definitely couldn't go to me. And I'm not talking about church, but I couldn't go to church because people would talk about everybody knows you. Everybody knows me or I didn't look like everybody else. Um I didn't dress like everybody else, you know, then that's and that's how I viewed it, you know. Um so I just wanted to be that person. Um, and I have a great group of people that go into my lives and they also help because you know I will never tell you I understand something unless I do. So we had somebody come in alive and they had lost it was their mom or their dad and I was like I can't help you with that because I've never lost anyone close to me but I do know I have people in here that can help you because I'm never going to look at you and say I understand if I don't. Now, um, how often do you go live? So, I go live usually I try to go live like at least twice a week. Um, I need to start going I used to go live every day at 7:00. Um, and I just it just got a lot. It is. It's a lot. Takes the fun out of it. It does. And so, now I'm trying to get where like I'm trying to have my lives more on a schedule. So, I'm going to try to at least go live twice a week. um you know, maybe in the beginning of the week and towards the afternoon, you know, towards the end of the week. Um but usually I go live around 7. Sometimes I go live later um because we're addicts and usually we're up late at night and that's usually when we struggle the most. So I try to go late like live late at night just so people know they're not alone. Can I ask you a personal question? Will you ever get married again? I don't know. You don't know? That's okay. I don't know. You know, um I always say that I know that God has somebody out there for me. And apparently he's on a turtle in the desert without a GPS because homeboy ain't came yet. You know what I mean? Never heard that before. That's what I say. Um if it is, it would definitely have to be um I would have to know that it was from God. Yeah, I would have to know that it was from God. I would have to know that um it is who he wanted me to be with. Um but they would definitely um have to have a relationship with Jesus. Um if they're, you know, in recovery, they would have to have some years sober, you know, behind them. That's important. Um but for so long, my focus has always been men and substances. And right now, like my son graduates next year, so I've been trying. I made myself a promise that um if I got sober, I would make him my priority and the that's yeah, he's been my recovery. Jesus and Landon has been my focus. You know, I want to say that I am so very proud of you. Thank you. I am very proud of you and I'm glad that um that I got on TikTok um and and came across your your feed. Um I got a few gifts I want to give you. Okay. Now, you came to uh one of my workshops last week. Was it last week? Week before last. Mhm. Sometime in the in the past. And um I gave you one of the books, Marriage After Addiction. And the reason I ask you that is because I wrote this book when I got out of a treatment. Um I wrote Marriage After Addiction because we are taught to be selfish people, right? But if you do have a spouse or if you're thinking about getting married one day, um there's really not a resource out there for them. you know, there's Alanon and things like that, but it really hasn't evolved or done anything. So, that's the reason I got published is because we couldn't find anything for outside of like real counseling. And so, this is written as a workbook. And I gave you a copy, but I'll give you another one just in case you have a friend that you think about that needs it. And then I'm also give you um our new coffee. I was going to ask you about the coffee. New line of coffee. My mom loves coffee. I'm living with my mom right now. I moved back in with my mom to save some money and she loves coffee and I was going to ask you about the coffee today. Yeah, I'm going to give you some coffee. So, we partnered with a group out of Guatemala. We get coffee um we can send it wherever we want in the whole world. Um but um we are helping another nonprofit by um outsourcing our own recovery bow line of coffee from Guatemala. And this um creates funds for us as a nonprofit which is fantastic. But it also uh gives this organization funds um for what do they what do they get with this? They get smokeless stoves, they get uh water filters, and they get uh meal plans for their children. So, it's a win. Awesome day though. Yeah. So, I'm going to give you one of that for just coming on. And um and I just want to say thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Yeah. Thank you. I'm You did really good. I don't know what you were nervous about. I was nervous. I was so nervous. Yeah. Nervous. Hey, thanks for tuning in to today's episode. I hope you enjoyed hearing Nicole's story as much as I did. It's been an incredible story to hear. We got a little deep in the addiction side of it, but we brought it back. Um, and just showed you what life is like in recovery. Um, she has a a wonderful testimony. And so, you can follow her on her Tik Tok. You can also follow us on our Tik Tok, Instagram, and Facebook. You can uh also become a donor if you go to recovery.com. Or you can send me an email at recoveryvaloggmail.com. Thanks for joining us today on today's episode. We'll see you next week.